Shan-a-rama

I haven't blogged in God knows how long, but I really feel as though I need this therapeutic expression right now. Ever since I started writing for a living, I haven't really written for me. Sure, I've expressed myself through my photography and such, but I truly feel as though each art form is necessary to heal and really connect with yourself. All excuses aside, here goes nothing!

My fiancé and I are in the process of buying our first home! As it seems, it is both exhilarating and terrifying. These emotions are alternating back and forth, and can switch in a matter of seconds. There are a few reasons why this is, and I really feel like writing about them, so if you're only interested in the present, I'd skip to Part III.

Part I: Disappointment
Dramatic, yes, I know. But, most of this post is dramatic because this whole situation to me is kind of a big deal. It all started in January or February of 2014. My grandpa (Pagu) passed away 10 months after my grandma, his wife. When I found out that they simply left their family home to the trust, an idea hit me. What if Chris and I bought it to keep it in the family? As far as I knew, no one else wanted it, and how wonderful would it be to preserve the memories? Long, long story short, someone else was on the fence about it, and at the last minute decided they were going to buy it. It was extremely heartbreaking and....disappointing. Probably the worst disappointment I've ever felt in my life. A feeling that has been nearly impossible to cover up with "Everything happens for a reason," no matter how true that statement really is.

This is the reasoning behind the "terrifying." Chris and I are afraid of getting attached and feeling this level of disappointment again. The plus side is, now that we know that good things can come out of this type of situation, and everything really does happen for a reason. Only time will tell when we're settled in our future, abode that is waiting for us somewhere.

Part II: Anxiety
Still dramatic, sure. But, hey, when you're in this situation, you will completely understand. I've always been an impatient person. When I'm excited for something, I simply cannot wait. My mind buzzes and whirs with possibilities and won't quit until it's distracted by something else. So, needless to say, the amount of waiting involved with this process has made me anxious. It's definitely a learning situation for me because it's inevitable that most things in life take time to develop and unfold, good or bad, and a lot of times I'm just gonna have to wait.

Another reason I'm anxious is because Chris and I are currently living with my mom. We had a beautiful, perfect apartment for two amazing years, and we didn't renew the lease for that third year because we thought we were going to be buying my grandparents house. We are in the first home club through a local bank, and it is a 10 month program that gives participants a grant upon completion to purchase their first house. We didn't see the point in getting another year lease anywhere else because then we wouldn't be saving up money for a house, plus the program is 10 months. Suffice it to say, after living on my own, it's extremely frustrating, making me want our own place even more.

Part III: At The Moment
Now that the fuel behind my emotional fire is laid out, here's where we are currently in this exhilarating, yet terrifying process. (Sorry, these adjectives are too perfectly accurate to try and use other ones to avoid repetition.) We have been approved for a mortgage! The downside is that we were approved for over 10,000 less than the house we fell in love with costs. This house is in an undisclosed area of Western New York (I don't want to jinx it; stupid, maybe so). Anywho, I'm going to discuss all the details now because that's all I want to do ever.

The first time we saw it was with our realtor. He had found it online and we added it to our list of viewings on a particular day. I hadn't even seen pictures online, so I didn't have any expectations. In fact, I was too busy concentrating on a couple other properties that we'd be seeing after. I almost feel like I also wrote it off while I was in it because of that. By wrote it off, I just mean that I was like, "Wow, this is nice," but didn't actually give it a second thought.

It wasn't until later that night, when Chris couldn't get this house of his mind, that I started to contemplate the thought of living there. So it began. To elapse a bit further, we want to bid on this house. We want to take the risk and bid well below what the sellers want on the off-chance they will agree. It's scary because I don't want to feel that level of disappointment again. I might even be in deeper over my head in hopes this time around.

Seriously, I cannot stop thinking about this damn house. It's nothing fancy, it's certainly not "updated" in the sense of modern looks, but we feel at home. Chris and I have seen it twice, and we just know that it works for us. It wasn't love at first sight; it snuck up on me in an unexpected way. As weird as this sounds, part of me feels a deep connection to the house. This could be a side-effect of my longing and daydreamings of this place, but to me it seems as though Chris' and my future self exist here. Weird, right? I am afraid of mistaking my normal, human nature of hope and optimism for "it's meant to be." If it doesn't work out, it's just going to have to be filed in the big drawer labeled, "Life's not fair."

Here's to hoping that they accept our offer. We're just waiting for approval from our mortgage counselor on the amount we want to bid, after we factored in down payment, closing costs, etc. This is a totally new experience for us, and I'm grateful for it, no matter what happens. I know that no matter where we are, Chris and I will be happy together and make it our own. There's just something about that house that has us hooked. If it's "the one," they'll accept our offer. If it's not, the right house will find it's way into my Zillow search someday.